For many, religion offers comfort, a place to find belonging, hope, and purpose. But for others, especially those raised under rigid, fear-based doctrines, religion can become something far more complicated: a source of confusion, anxiety, and deep emotional pain.
Nicole Killian, author of You Can’t Count On Me: A Memoir of Unreliability, grew up in a world where faith and fear were often indistinguishable. In her deeply personal and powerfully candid memoir, she explores the long-term effects of religious trauma, particularly on children who are taught to fear not only the world but their own thoughts, feelings, and bodies.
Raised in an environment where strict religious rules governed everything, from relationships to clothing, from movies to music, Killian learned early on that God wasn’t just watching. He was judging. Her experiences at Pentecostal and Baptist churches left her feeling more ashamed than saved, more afraid than faithful. Like many children in fundamentalist circles, she was taught that obedience equaled holiness and that deviation, even slightly, meant risking eternal damnation.
The pressure to conform was intense. Touching a boy’s shoulder, enjoying a secular song, or asking the wrong questions could brand you as rebellious or lost. Nicole internalized the message that she needed to be perfect, pure, and perpetually repentant. But no matter how hard she tried, it was never enough. The fear of hellfire loomed large in sermons and her daily thoughts, shaping her sense of identity and self-worth.
In You Can’t Count On Me, Nicole doesn’t just share stories. She shares the damage done when spirituality is weaponized. She recounts altar calls filled with anxiety, purity talks laced with shame, and a constant fear that she might unknowingly sin her way into hell. Her account is especially powerful in pairing vulnerability with biting humor, showing that healing doesn’t always come in a whisper. It sometimes arrives with a laugh.
Breaking free from religious trauma, she writes, isn’t just about rejecting a church. It’s about unlearning deeply ingrained beliefs that taught her to fear her own humanity. It’s about separating faith from fear and understanding that the two don’t have to coexist.
As she began to untangle her spiritual identity from the trauma she’d experienced, Nicole found something unexpected on the other side: freedom. Not just freedom from fear but the freedom to believe differently, to ask hard questions, and to define her relationship with God on her own terms.
Killian’s story resonates with a growing number of people leaving high-control religious environments. Her memoir speaks to those who still flinch at sermons, who carry guilt for leaving churches that broke them, and who wonder if healing and belief coexist. Through her journey, she proves that faith can survive deconstruction and even flourish.
Ultimately, You Can’t Count On Me is a memoir about reclaiming your voice after years of being told to stay silent. It’s about finding peace outside of dogma. And it’s a powerful reminder that you can leave behind a harmful faith structure without losing your soul in the process.
If you’ve ever questioned the version of God you were given or the fear you were told to carry, this book is your companion. Read You Can’t Count On Me: A Memoir of Unreliability by Nicole Killian and rediscover what it means to believe, belong, and break free.